Hello, my name is Emily and I am a codependent. There I admitted it. I am usually a glass-half-full kind of person. Life is hard enough so why be all doom and gloom is my philosophy. But sometimes, well all my ideology, faith and confidence seems to go out the window.When it comes to my children, I put way too much of my own happiness in their success and happiness. If they fail, wether big or small I sometimes get in this really bad cycle where I feel like I failed. 'What did I do wrong? I shouldn't be a mom.' Thoughts like that circle through my head. When I am in this dark place I realize it, but sometimes I allow it and I don't want out. I want to throw myself a pity party for a while, whoa is me!
This weekend I allowed myself to throw not one but two of these parties for myself. These aren't fun parties, no balloons or cakes here.. and I really don't like it... so why do I allow this.
We all have our struggles... there are challenges we will all face; but it is what we choose to do with these trials that will affect our ultimate happiness. So today, this week I am starting over again. How? I am turning it all over to the Lord. I CANNOT do it, only He can.
My husband left me a wonderful note this morning with a reference to Mark 9:14-29 in the New Testament. These scriptures tell of a man whose son was possessed by an evil spirit, the man brought his son to the Lord to be healed. Jesus told him "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him who believeth." To which the man replied "Lord I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
So today, I am starting over. I am turning it over and trusting that things will work out how they are supposed to. It might not be how I want, but it will be what is right. And you know, I will be a good mom and a good person no matter what happens.
funny how good moms hold themselves so accountable;-) when i'm feeling down about something in my mothering i can always list a handful of mothers who are "real moms" that "really know what they're doing." i always have to remind myself that i am that too. there's no "real mom" or "normal." there's just life. there's just motherhood. the best way i can do it.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to SITS! That post sounded pretty half full after all :)
ReplyDeletePenelope-yeah by the time I was done writing I felt a lot better. Just have to get it all out. It is just really good I didn't write anything last night!
ReplyDeleteI am only now getting better about not internalizing all the things my kids do and somehow blaming myself. My kids are people too, and I can't control them. I can teach them right from wrong and show them a good example with my own life. Whatever decisions they make are their own and are not indicative of my parenting. We can all tell from your writing that you are a great mom.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Em. I totally feel the same way all too often. It's really true too, we can't do it alone. It's nice we have help! You are indeed an awesome mom!
ReplyDeleteIt's tough work being a Mommy. And we all go into that cycle of feeling like the worse one ever. We not only should turn to the Lord, but to each other.
ReplyDeleteOoh, this is a good one. You ARE a good mom, by what you write on your blog. Good luck with everything!
ReplyDeleteBless your heart, it's normal to doubt yourself sometimes. But it sounds like you're SO on the right path. :o)
ReplyDeleteWelcome to SITS!
One day at a time is a great motto. Because if we go past that it just gets too hard. You have a great attitude about it. I wish I could be as calm and reasoned as you when I go through my pity parties. . .
ReplyDeleteRachel Sue--if you had heard/seen me last night I wasn't quite so calm :)
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the group hon!!! Sometimes just putting it out there starts the change!! Asking for help from a God - yup powerful stuff!!
ReplyDeleteMy little advice... breathe and get a book called CoDepedent No More by Melody Beatie..think I spelled her name right. I read this one about once a year just to keep my codependent self in line!!
Hugs, Sarah
This too shall pass...good thing we know that, huh?
ReplyDeleteOh Emmy, my boys are 17 & 14 & it's killing me. I have to find myself a life outside of being their mother & let them go, but it's SO hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm stopping by from SITS to welcome you to the family!
I think you're right. Things WILL work out the way they're supposed to and you're definitely being too hard on yourself!!
ReplyDeleteThe term that the "experts" use to describe this total immersion in all your children's hopes/fears/successes/failures is ENMESHMENT.
ReplyDeleteThat term was applied to me by a school psychologist - we left that school. I figure if HE had to spend a week here dealing with The Boy, he'd be enmeshed too, just to avoid potential catastrophes.
Oh, such a good post. I love this. I love your honesty and candor. Very wonderful! I hope your first day starting over went well. I start a diet over each morning, and I am not so succesful...
ReplyDeleteNow you can write:
ReplyDeleteHello my name is Emily and I am a muse.
I have pity parties all the time, one of these days I think I'll be nominated for the Worst Mother of the Year award...Your kids are adorable and just remember that they love you no matter what!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. I have been having one of those types of weeks this past week. It was like I literally was reading my own post yet I hadn't written it yet. You are the best mom you can be.. when ever you doubt that remember how much you kids love you. If find it helps.
ReplyDeleteI understand the feeling. I also wallow in self-pity much too often and then beat myself up for imperfection. But we're human and stumble and sooner or later find our way again.
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