An Old Dog

To my precious Ryder-

I have done it before. I have brought two babies home from the hospital and managed to care for them, feed them and even make them pretty good kids...well most days at least.

So why does it feel so different this time. I feel like I need to take your temperature every three hours, and wash your mouth and get you weighed every night. That has been what we have done for the last 19 days.

I miss looking at the monitor to see that your heart is beating so well and you are breathing like a champ. I hear the noise of the different NICU alarms going off in my head constantly...but they aren't there anymore.

Now I can hear the noise of cars going by on the road through the open window. I can hear your sighs and grunts...but no monitors.

Yesterday was the first day in your life that I saw you without wires... Do you know how much easier it is to dress you without those?

I can hold you in my arms as much as I want to. I can change your outfit 10 times a day just because I can..though I don't...we don't have that many outfits here. I can't believe how perfect you are.

I feel confident and yet so scared. You are so small... You weren't supposed to be here for another 5 weeks still. But you are here. And I hold you and look at your little face, and touch your little hand and it is good. All is well.

You are going to make it. I am going to make it. Thank you for being so strong. Thank you for being able to come home with me. Thank you for letting me be your mother.