Friday Confessional: Pie

I confess that I really like big babies, big babies and tall children. In fact I would say I have been prideful of having my babies at the top and even off the charts. Which easily happens when your husband is 6'8". Maybe it is because he and his family are all so tall and I come in at barely 5'5", that I pride myself in the fact that even short little me is not messing up their very tall gene pool. And heck it's just fun to have your child at the top of the charts.

I confess I also pride myself in my ability to produce enough milk to feed an army of babies. When Ryder was in the NICU, in five minutes I could pump twice what he needed in one meal. Pump for ten and it was four times. His freezer trays were full, I was even dumping some at times as I had way too much milk.

Well life has served me a big piece of humble pie. And I do not like pie. At two months, Ryder weighs 5 lbs 11 oz... Which isn't enough. The first thing the Dr. said when she came in is, 'well he isn't growing enough'. I knew this and feared this in the bottom of my heart. So now, I have to bring him back in a week. Between now and then I am supposed to pump, supplement and even fortify with rice cereal. It sucks. I pump every three hours, feed him about a half-hour after pumping, then hold him upright for at least a half hour to help with digestion and his reflux. It sucks. One of my pump cups is broken, while I wait for the replacement I am having to pump one side at a time. It sucks, but I would do anything for this little guy.

But do you know what does not suck, preemies, at least often not very well. He latches on great, he starts off great, but then he doesn't just suck hard enough and long enough to really be getting what he needs. And well my body adjusted and so now I am barely producing enough milk. It makes me sick to think about all those cups and cups of milk that I dumped. All those cups and cups of milk I left behind in Utah, as I the prideful milk queen had plenty. Like throwing away gold, pure life saving gold.

And last night as I nursed him once in the middle of the night, as I was too tired to pump it scared me to think that pumping and bottles are going to become the necessity and that he would just start preferring the easy way and not want to nurse again.

So excuse me while I go eat some pie.