Being Enough in Motherhood

I wake and the house is quiet.  A late night soccer game and an almost teenager who has finally learned to sleep in.  I soak in the quiet, enjoying the moment of peace, but then it feels lonely.  I have become more used to the quiet, with all three children halfway through their third week of school.  I fill those away hours with editing pictures, doing housework and hopefully one of these days getting back to my book.  Sometimes I resent when the clock hits that pickup time as there is always more to do, but now as I sit here in the quiet, realizing how quickly it is all going- I want it back.

The simpler days of play dates and preschool drop off, the simpler days of soccer games only being a few minutes away instead of in neighboring cities.  But yet, at the same time I don't miss those days at all.

The silence is broken, my baby comes down, just don't let him know I call him that.  At seven-years-old he will loudly proclaim that he is not a baby.  I scoop him up and place him on my lap for a morning cuddle.  I know he won't allow me to do this much longer, but for now I cherish it.

Life really is a whirlwind, rushing so fast forward in time that I just want it to stop, yet the days sometimes seem to click slowly by the same routine one day to the next.   The reality of time and that in just six short years my oldest will be graduating from high school and leaving to serve a mission, both thrills and frightens me.

Have I done enough as a mother?  Have I been enough?

I want to improve, I want to be present, I want to learn how to take the teenage attitude and changes in stride and in patience.  It is all so new for both me and my son.

I remember being twelve so excited to be an official teenager, I remember what it was like.  I remember things both good and bad that I never told my parents and that is what frightens me the most.  I know I can't solve every problem, I know I shouldn't, but the thought of the unknown hurts, the unknown pains he might be suffering just makes me yearn for the days when I was his entire world.

***

All is quiet again.  We made it through the morning rush and school drop-offs.  So for now I sit, sit trying to focus on what really matters most, try to hurry and get my things done so that when my kids are home I can really be there, really be present as I don't have all the answers, I don't always know what to do- but I know I can be there and some days that just might be enough.